Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Wednesday thoughts

So today on the train I had my big moment. This entire week and last week has been working up to this big moment. My weekend was building up to this big moment. My research, and my sleepless nights have been building up to this big moment.

My oh-so-unstable heart has been begging me to get this stinking big moment over with, so it can go back to its normally scheduled beating.

Today I wrote the chapter of my book that makes me officially half finished. THE DEATH SCENE of one of my characters. (One of the bad guys, don't worry. But my first death scene!) And let me tell you, this chapter was amazing and. Really.
Just. Rocked.

And throughout all of it, I'm as enchanted as a kid. Who would have KNOWN that so-and-so secretly had the hots for so-and-so? Who would have GUESSED that he looked like that, or that would be the way he would go? Who could have THOUGHT that she would help in that way?

Sure as heck not me. And I'm WRITING this. That is what makes me laugh out loud sometimes. Sometimes happy laughing out loud, sometimes bewildered, "where in the f*&/ did that come from" laughing, sometimes sad "holy cow, who would have seen that coming, surely not me, the writer, oh heck no, not me" dubious laughter.

I'm more than a little scared of how deeply I am embroiled in this book; in this story. I live it, but purely as an observer, never as the actor or creator. I get the feeling that things are happening in it that are kind of out of my control. Sometimes it's all I can do to write so feverishly, hoping against hope I'm getting it all down as it chundles along on the big-screen in my brain.

Now this feeling of just being the sit-along wallflower has happened before, and usually I think that's a good sign. This one is really rocking, though. And I deeply love the people and events in my story.


So yesterday, I was thinking about something other than my book . (I know, rare thing right? SMACK) I ran across a new blog for me by Aprilynne Pike (PS Aprilynne, I want to be your friend! LOL). She has a series that I just really liked the story line of. I'll be buying the books, because I'm a sucker for faery tales and all the good avalon stuff.

Where does this come in for this blog? This - she loves her books.

Every author I have ever read about or searched out on their blogs or websites loves their book. Every unpublished schmuck (Of which I am one, BTW) loves their book.

I love my book. Series. I love it with all the bits of my brain and heart that love my hubs, my catz, and well, that's it. Every bit loves it, even parts I'm not aware of.

What becomes clear to me is that I must make certain that my beloved book, my beloved characters, are polished to their utmost when I begin the entire query process. Because obviously it's not good enough that just I, myself, love my book (although it's important).

Others need to love it too.

I know there's no formula for a book being loved by an agent.

Although I wish there was.

Heh heh. There is simple slogging along, making sure the query knocks socks off, sending out to agents, hoping one really loves my darling book back. Then it's to the publishers, hoping one of them loves my book. Then it's all the people in the world, hoping enough of them like it, maybe it makes them think, maybe laugh, maybe cry, maybe change - all those things that I felt when I wrote my book, I want them to feel.

And I'm sh*t-scared of the whole process. I don't want to be famous. I want people to like me. I want to be able to write my books and have people like or even love them.

I am scared of the idea of  trusting my book to a query letter I write. What if it's not good enough? I just screwed my chances with that agent. The horror!

I am scared that I DO find an agent. And a publisher (snicker). Then what? Holy crap, then the real fun starts! Am I ready for that? Do I need to be ready for that?


Deep down, I realize there's nothing I can do about any of it. Nothing other than writing the frickin' book. 

So that's what I'm doing.


Heidi the Hick said...

Oh man, does this post ever ring true! I mean, I felt it so hard I could have written it. I know the feeling.

I love this part:
"I'm more than a little scared of how deeply I am embroiled in this book; in this story. I live it, but purely as an observer, never as the actor or creator. "


Aprilynne's blog is great, eh?

As for the polishing... yes. I feel like I have blown it with a few agents that I really wanted to work with. I thought my stuff was ready- it wasn't. I thought I gave it enoug time but didn't... It's okay though because in the meantime I've learned a lot and guess what? Dug up a few more agents.

It's all coming together.

(I have yet to write a DEATH SCENE but I have written a Barn Burning Scene, a few Drunk Scenes, some Stoned Scenes, a couple of Getting Bucked Off A Horse Scenes, a Birth Scene, and a ridiculous amount of Sex Scenes. Not all in the same book. haha.)

Maprilynne said...

Hey! I found you!

I'll put a link up to your blog this week.;)

Thanks for liking my blog!!