Thursday, 14 May 2009

Choosing optimism over anger

It seems that I go through bad phases of feelings. Pheelings, if you will. I would hesitate to call it depressed, because it's not, but it's still a low state of feelings.

If I get too stressed, the ole heart problem kicks in and my sense of optimism plummets. If I feel trapped, or unappreciated, this does not help. If I'm trying to wrap up a manuscript that took far longer than I anticipated it doing, *and* I had to start it completely over once, this also does not help.

What I didn't want to acknowledge to anybody, least of all myself, was that I was going through a Pheelings moment the last few months. Since maybe January? I would prefer not mentioning the Pheelings moments, you see, because everything is dark, and grey, and sad, and I have to 'fake it til I make it' out, if you know what I mean. So I kept faking, feeling my head slip under water every now and then, but recently, a lot more. To where I was gasping, a little.

And then my hubs, my dear dear hubs, pointed something out to me. Most of my pheelings moments start when I start obsessively worrying about things that I have NO control over. I should live more in the now, he said. Keep a journal, write out the things that bother me and don't think about them anymore. Search for your optimism, and try to make it more than fake it. He was right, of course.

So I've been trying. PoloGRRL has certainly given me a shot of adrenaline, but life for me is not angst and struggle. I have so many wonderful things: Hubs, the cats, best friends, an agent that is the bomb, fellow writers and my fantastic writing group, this blog & twitter, you wonderful people who read my blog...what right do I have to whinge? 

None at all. 

So I wrote, and I thought about something other every once in awhile, and I have to say, I'm feeling more and more glimmers of the optimism I haven't felt in such a long time, and it's *so* nice to have it back where I need it: in my head. It made no sense for me to continually turn to the dark side of my brain when I could focus a little more on the happy side. 

I do notice as well that I really am turning away from negative people, even if they are people I know and previously talked quite a bit to. Don't you hate it when that happens? My life is short, and sweet, and I need to concentrate as much on the positive as I can, because life is hard enough. 

I see this with an acquaintance I know, who chooses the dark rather than the light aspects of their life (no names, no genders) and is never. Never. Never. happy. And sounds like a broken record with the litany of wrongs done them. And drives everyone away from them because of it. It's sad to use this person as an example but it's the best sort of example I know. 

So. I'm happy. Today. To be here, to write alongside you, and to help you out as you help me out. May we all have a little extra sunshine in our life today. :) 


Heidi the Hick said...

Oh man, what a wonderful post... this should be framed and hung up somewhere. Seriously. I thank you for your honesty because you've said a few things here that I think a lot of writers are afraid to admit. Heck, not just writers...

One of the things I've been working on to combat depression is the thought replacement. When my brain gets out of control I start thinking bizarre things that I know are untrue, like, I have to leave, they don't hear me, I'm dying, they're all out to get me, on and on and on. Every time I get those, I have to call it untrue and then instantly come up with something better: I Love my family, I'm alive, I have friends. You know what I'm talking about.

I do believe strongly in "fake it til you make it" however your hubs is right. We have to believe it. LIving in the moment - wow, so true!!! Sometimes that's all I've had to go on. Sometimes it comes down to "I'm breathing! Yay!"

You're such an intelligent and sensitive person. Two good qualities that can make your life difficult. But worth it. Rock on! (And tell Hubs I think he's brilliant, ok?)

Heidi said...

Amen, Jen! And Amen Heidi tH!

I'd say something else, but I think it would pale in comparison.

Don't you wish you were a cat sometimes, and just find thrill in a slice of sunshine to lay out in?

JKB said...

HeidiTH, I will. He'd be delighted to think someone thought he was brilliant.

Heidi, I would be. I think with the life these two cats have, it's criminal for me not to be one oneday.

Patti said...

It's all about choices. Unfortunately sometimes it feels like it's easier to be negative but really it's not.

Heidi the Hick said...

Dude, your cat knows how to live. That is one awesome stretch!

pseudosu said...

Oh you guys... (hugs and pats all, even kittehs). You've already said it all, but, yeah. It's tough at times but connections help, even if you feel kind of detached (like you're faking it) at times, because they're THERE, and if you maintain them they'll still be there when the cloud moves away.

Hey, for a blast of cheer def hit my blog tomorrow. It'll get you shakin' somethin' the right way. :)

AutumnZ said...

What a great therapist your hubby is! Mind if I borrow his advice?

JKB said...

Heidi, that cat is one spoiled little bastid. But I love him anyways. :)

Patti, too right.

Pseu, thanks for the update. I'll be watching your blog space.

AZ, of course. Do it and let me know how it goes!

Ello said...

This is a great post. I go through this also and last year I made the same realization that you did, that I could not spend my time around negative people anymore. I'm friends with someone who never seems to do anything but complain and find fault with things. He's never satisfied. I'm tired of it. I want to be around positivity also just like you. So good for you! And I'm glad you are feeling better!

Peter said...

Sounds like you're back on track.. and it's the right one! Thanks for this post.. I've been feeling that way myself a bit lately :)