It seems that I go through bad phases of feelings. Pheelings, if you will. I would hesitate to call it depressed, because it's not, but it's still a low state of feelings.
If I get too stressed, the ole heart problem kicks in and my sense of optimism plummets. If I feel trapped, or unappreciated, this does not help. If I'm trying to wrap up a manuscript that took far longer than I anticipated it doing, *and* I had to start it completely over once, this also does not help.
What I didn't want to acknowledge to anybody, least of all myself, was that I was going through a Pheelings moment the last few months. Since maybe January? I would prefer not mentioning the Pheelings moments, you see, because everything is dark, and grey, and sad, and I have to 'fake it til I make it' out, if you know what I mean. So I kept faking, feeling my head slip under water every now and then, but recently, a lot more. To where I was gasping, a little.
And then my hubs, my dear dear hubs, pointed something out to me. Most of my pheelings moments start when I start obsessively worrying about things that I have NO control over. I should live more in the now, he said. Keep a journal, write out the things that bother me and don't think about them anymore. Search for your optimism, and try to make it more than fake it. He was right, of course.
So I've been trying. PoloGRRL has certainly given me a shot of adrenaline, but life for me is not angst and struggle. I have so many wonderful things: Hubs, the cats, best friends, an agent that is the bomb, fellow writers and my fantastic writing group, this blog & twitter, you wonderful people who read my blog...what right do I have to whinge?
None at all.
So I wrote, and I thought about something other every once in awhile, and I have to say, I'm feeling more and more glimmers of the optimism I haven't felt in such a long time, and it's *so* nice to have it back where I need it: in my head. It made no sense for me to continually turn to the dark side of my brain when I could focus a little more on the happy side.
I do notice as well that I really am turning away from negative people, even if they are people I know and previously talked quite a bit to. Don't you hate it when that happens? My life is short, and sweet, and I need to concentrate as much on the positive as I can, because life is hard enough.
I see this with an acquaintance I know, who chooses the dark rather than the light aspects of their life (no names, no genders) and is never. Never. Never. happy. And sounds like a broken record with the litany of wrongs done them. And drives everyone away from them because of it. It's sad to use this person as an example but it's the best sort of example I know.
So. I'm happy. Today. To be here, to write alongside you, and to help you out as you help me out. May we all have a little extra sunshine in our life today. :)