Thursday, 10 December 2009

BABY EDITION: Accepting your limits

Because obviously, I can't do this.

BB (before baby) I could do it all, in like, one afternoon. Clean. Cook. Wash the boyz. Laundry. Iron. straighten everything up. Juggle with one hand tied behind my back while singing a show tune and Riverdance dancing.

Well, not that last bit. But anyway.

And now?

Now I could weep in frustration. All the stuff I used to be able to do so calmly, so effortlessly, so easily, g-o-n-e. Now (for instance) I have to sit down on the GROUND just to plug the Christmas lights together into one group for the ground plug, and then realize I can't get around my belly to get back up. Which necessitates a 10 minute talk to myself about not crying about this because it is natural, for crying out loud, scootching forward to an empty space in the room (on my butt!) and then getting slowly from butt, to hands and knees, to feet, to bracing against the sofa, to up. While the cats watch me, quizzical at my grunts and heaves. I sound like a porn show, for crying out loud.

Everything has changed. Everything.

It's the same with anything. Even walking. I have to peg on additional minutes, because I can't power walk like I did before. My body won't allow it. My job peeps are absolute DOLLS, since I can work from home half the day. And that even is a freaking stretch right now. I can't stay out because I get too freaking tired. I mean, WTF.

And you know what?

All of this makes me so upset and frustrated. I'm no longer my own person. My husband has to help me with stuff. Friends have to help me with stuff. And if you don't know me "in real life", I am not good at accepting this sort of thing. I feel powerless, and every day that goes by (although I'm SO GLAD Loki is okay and developing like Loki is!!) just gets me bigger and bulkier and less inclined to be able to do stuff for myself.

This is, in fact, the worst aspect of it.

The best aspects? Thinking about hubs and the expression he'll have on his face when he sees Loki for the first time. Seeing his face when he feels Loki kick. Telling the parents at Christmas this year if they'll have a girl or boy grandchild. Blue cat waking up because Loki kicked so hard Lokie nudged him when he was laying by me on the bed. Feeling Loki in new spots as the little sprog grows. Knowing that above all else, a healthy happy baby will make us the family I dream of completing.

My hubs deserves the world. And Loki will give him it.

So all the crying jags, the anger management courses, the psychiatric appointments, everything...just prepares me. I know it.

But I still hate feeling helpless.


Merrilee said...

This is definitely the worst part. When you feel like a whale and you have trouble getting out of chairs. Not fun at ALL.

But it ends, and when it does, you forget all about it. Trust me.

Patti said...

I think it's so difficult at the end, so that you're willing to do anything to get them out. It will get better and it will all be worth it.

Heidi Willis said...

The flip side is that once Loki is born, you will feel like you have too much is up to you. You'll be responsible for you, and the sprog as well. You'll soon be back to doing it all, plus.

Dust off those dancing shoes... it just may be riverdance juggling that keeps Loki from crying. :)

Heidi the Hick said...

I love your honesty. I think a lot of women are afraid to admit these feelings. It's the hard part of becoming a mother that we don't always talk about: you are not just you anymore. You're growing a whole new human, and you will always have that person near you. I hear even when they grow up and move out you still have that invisible string.

I remember thinking when I was growing my first child "I'll never be alone again."

In a way it was kind of sad, because I'd come to enjoy my alone time. BUT I got lonely too. And the nice thing about having a baby?

I'd never be alone again!

(She's leaning on my shoulder as I write this, smiling.)

You're okay, babe. Just feel it all. The good and the bad. And there's a lot more good!