Friday, 17 September 2010

Fake it til you make it

You know, the further I get into this whole life thing...what with a baby (6 months old! What the frak?)...a book...the book's insides currently spilled all over my couch...a house...a life...and a husband...two crazy cats...a job...more books edited and being written on the horizon...

... I'm utterly terrified somebody's gonna figure out I'm faking this whole adult thing and oh snap I'm busted.

It's the funniest thing. I'm old enough to be an adult, technically. I gots all the side bits that qualify me. But do I feel it?


I still feel like the kid that rolled out of bed on Saturday morning, grabbed her raccoon and set out for the creek on her appaloosa. The one that stick and balled late into a Thursday night in the warm summer air. Shoot, even the one that walked from her Gran's house to the library in the BIG TEXAS CITY: population 1500 (if you visit on a day the immigration police didn't stop by).

When did all this time pass? And how have I *not* become more patient as time goes by? You'd think I'd get all zen about it and be over the whole waiting thing. But I'm as impatient as ever, still waiting on things, still doing everything.

Isn't it the weirdest thing?

Do you ever have that feeling?


Gabi said...

Are you kidding? I'm old enough to have kids in college and I still think of myself as being a 19/20 year old. Every time I look in the mirror I scare myself because I don't recognize the old lady looking back at me. And yes, I go to see first run Disney movies in the theater, even if I don't have children to give me an excuse.

To borrow from Winston Churchill...Never, never, never grow old.

aspiring_x said...

i think i have the opposite problem as you, my mom always said i was a little old lady waiting to happen... if age is a state of mind, i'm ancient. :P

Janna Qualman said...

All.the.frakkin'.time. You nailed it.

Here's to adulthood!

Heidi Willis said...

This is so me. Sometimes when I'm advising or yelling at my kids, I hear myself and think, "Man, I sound just like a mom!" and then realize I don't feel like that at all. I don't feel old. It's weird that my kids see me as all old and grown up and I don't see myself that way at all.

I wonder if all the senior citizens around me are walking around the same way, thinking of themselves as 20 year olds – or 12 year olds – and feeling like their faking age too.

Heidi the Hick said...

Oh my gosh, I am terrified somebody's gonna figure out that I'm not really a grown up. I'm a fraud!

I'm pushing 40!!

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

I'm 44 and still wondering what I'll be when I grow up...You are not alone, Jen!

Kelly Bryson said...

The only time I feel old enough to have my kiddoes is when I go out with just my youngest. The others are getting way too big to belong to me.

I love your title: "bringer of tears". That's my measuring stick for power in a writer;)

I tell people to let me know if they cry, and I think they think I'm joking.